On racism, covid-19, and gaslighting

Am I going crazy here?

It's Sunday night, what could be a calm night to read, take care of myself, get ready for the week. But all I can think about is trying to keep myself sane. This seems to be my one task these past few months.

Have you ever heard the term "gas lighting"? I learned it about a year ago from my counselor, who helped me feel so validated by saying "you know that person is gas lighting you, right?" The definition of this term is to: "manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity." And when you realize you're the target of this, it's every bit of nauseating as it sounds. 

Anyways, I am struggling in two specific areas. Perhaps my reader can empathize or has a similar story? It feels that in my main areas of "doing life,"... friend-life, church-life, etc, that there are two themes of denial I see:

1) denial of racism

2) denial of the deadliness of Covid-19

And what baffles me and really gets my blood pumping is that I see this denial specifically in the Christians in my life. Christians, frankly, should be the last people to deny the legitimacy both of these deadly viruses. Because once you acknowledge the severity of the problem, what a great opportunity to step into your role in the Upside Down Kingdom and affirm life over death! Life over sickness! Life to the full over racism! We know that both of these can be true at once: you can both acknowledge the presence and destruction caused by racism and coronavirus, AND love and serve the God who has the redemptive power to conquer both of these things. It's not about fear. It's about taking life seriously because God does. And God graciously wants to use us in this work. 

More than any political opinion I may have, I am convinced that the Gospel compels me to speak out to affirm life in all areas-- from unborn life to the older adults I serve at work, many forgotten and pushed aside. From refugees to those who struggle with mental illness (which is many, many people). I seek to affirm and protect Imago Dei Life by wearing my d*** mask and awkwardly offering you an elbow to bump instead of opening my arms for a hug (though I seek to love you and assume the best either way). I seek to affirm life wherever it is oppressed, wherever it is dismissed or denied or kept from being life to the full. This means affirming that Black and Brown lives are made in the very image of God (yep... that they matter). In conjunction with this, I will listen and believe the countless stories of lived experience I have heard where People of Color are mistreated and oppressed, both in blatant and micro-aggressive forms. I will let my lamenting propel me into the Kingdom work of promoting Biblical Justice. It will involve mourning with those who mourn. Taking up my cross and following him. And, I know it will be worth the cost that it will incur. 

I believe in the Gospel:  that God the Father sent his son Jesus to pay the penalty for our sin, our individual sin as well as our societal sin. He therefore reconciled us to himself, and has given us the task, with the power of his Holy Spirit, to go out and be ministers of reconciliation. This means to make things right between individuals, but also between structures and systems and people groups. Is this not also the Gospel-- to let my faith spill over into works that bring the Kingdom of Heaven nearer? It's not just about my personal salvation, but about letting his love compel me to do the good works he has prepared in advance for me to do (Eph. 2:10). If salvation is the doorway, experiencing the fullness of the Kingdom on Earth is everything that happens after you step past the threshold. Love, dignity, shalom peace, the work of equality. We get the gift of practicing the way God will once-and-for-all flip our worldly-values upside down when he returns. The last truly will be first on that day. 

So... I feel like I'm going crazy. I have cried many tears over this and lost many hours of sleep. I confess I know so little of what God can do, and how he is working behind the scenes. I confess I have had little faith. But I write these things to remind myself of what is real, despite the mixed-messaging I get from the places I do life, Christian spaces included. If anyone disagrees with me, I want you to know that I seek to love you as Jesus has loved me. Because after all, he has sure crossed a lot of barriers to be with me, sinful as I am. And I would love to expound on any of this more in person (maybe bundled up outside tho? while walking a few feet apart?) :) 

Thanks for reading. Thanks for understanding my frustration. My desperate prayer is that these are the writings of someone with a holy angst and true yearning for the Kingdom on Earth. Come, Lord Jesus.